These baby feet were made for walking

Jacob is getting closer and closer to being a full-fledged walker, although I really don't know why. The boy can crawl faster than I can run. I'm not kidding, I need to take him to a track and put a clock on him through the 100 meters. That's the same reason I'm not sweating him turning into a walker, even though everybody says that's when the trouble starts. Until he's old enough to lace on a pair of running shoes, he's pretty much gotten to his top speed already.

The inaugural birthday celebration draws nearer and nearer. He'll hit the big 1.0 Tuesday, but we're celebrating the following Saturday. (Don't tell him. We're keeping the calendars covered up so he won't notice.)

It's funny to watch him with the dogs. You can tell they know he's not actively trying to hurt him, but they also know that he has yet to learn the difference between "pet" and "grab," which is not a good thing for the hairy among us. A Pekingese is just a four-footed handhold to him, so they've gotten really adept about sidestepping his advances. It only took a few handfuls of hair for them to learn. Bonus cuteness: When he has torn some hair out, he turns to one of us as if to say, "I did good, didn't I?" That's a good thing, because it gives the canines time to bolt for sanctuary underneath the kitchen table.

Following up on the "The Big Bang Theory" post from yesterday, I've just gotten around to watching the final episode of "King of the Hill," which ran Sunday night. I love, love, love that show. Or, more accurately, loved, loved, loved that show. It's been running a few cylinders short the last few years. I figure the ratio of good shows to bad has been 1/5 for the last few seasons. Even the final show was kinda "meh." I didn't get that whole Canadian house-swapping deal.

That's not surprising, though. It's hard to come up with a suitable closer. Really, the only great season finale I can remember was the one the geniuses at "Newhart" came up with. Absolute perfection.

I'll miss KOTH, though. (Warning: Pop culture sacrilege imminent!) I've never been a "Simpsons" fan. Sorry, but it just never did it for me. I know that pop culturists love to talk about how there's real family love beneath all the Simpsonness, but I think they're projecting and rationalizing, and a few other pop psychology terms I can't remember right now. "Family Guy" can be hilarious, but I stopped watching when I saw the neighborhood pedophile appear. I'll watch some out-there humor, perhaps more than I should. But making jokes about sexual predators of children just takes it too far. And "American Dad," of course, is completely unwatchable.

Bring back "The Brak Show," is what I say. (Also, pummel the web dweeb who came up with that eye-scorching background.) "Open up your headhole, Slappy, and listen while I testify" has earned a permanent spot in my cortex.

But I digress. KOTH was a great show because you know that this family did love each other. Sure, Peggy was a little on the prickly side, and Hank had problems exhibiting his love ("Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you"), but they stuck together, I'll tell you what. You always knew that, no matter how tragic Bill got, no matter how clueless Dale got, or how rapaciously Boomhauer got, Hank was always going to bail them out. It didn't matter if he wanted to bail them out, he had to bail them out. It was just the right thing to do, even if your dad was a shinless misanthrope who'd killed fitty men.

There was so much else to like about KOTH. The repeated Chuck Mangione references and appearances. Khan Souphanousinphone, Sr., the jerky neighbor with the heart of, well, not gold, exactly, but not bile, either. Joe Jack's referring to everyone, regardless of gender, as "Honey." The guest stars like Brad Pitt (who was an excellent Patch Boomhauer) and Matthew McConaughey as Rad Thibodeaux (pronounced "thib-uh-do-axxxx").

There were some classic lines, too. In the interest of fairness, I've limited myself to only lines I can recall, verbatim, without googling. I've already mentioned the "if you weren't my son" quote. Here are a few of my other favorites.

"Son, you're teasing the gorilla in the monkey house."
"Are you gonna leave quietly, or am I gonna have to carry you out baby-tantrum-style?"
"Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking!"
"Soccer was invented by European women so they'd have something to do while their husbands cooked dinner."
(Hank, while preparing to pray) "Lord, Hank Hill here, Methodist."
(Hank, commenting on Bobby's love for Christian rock) "You're not making rock and roll better, you're making Christianity worse."

If I had to pick my favorite five episodes, I'd go with these:

5. "Propane Boom"/"Death of a Propane Salesman." (A two-parter.) Competition from the Mega-Lo Mart costs Hank his job, and he's forced to take a position at the Mart. When Boomhauer attempts to comfort Hank over the propane explosion that killed Luanne's boyfriend Buckley ("Hey"), he gives a long, mumbling, Boomhauerian soliloquy that's of course indecipherable. Hank replies, "That's what we tell ourselves, isn't it, Boomhauer?" Slays me every time.

4. "A Fire-fighting We Will Go." Hank and the boys become volunteer firemen, then burn their own firehouse down. During the investigation (conducted by a fire chief played by Barry Corbin), the boys all give their version of what caused the fire. When Boomhauer tells his version, all the other characters speak Boomhauer. This episode also has the last TV appearance of Buddy Ebsen, who voiced Chet Elderson.

3. "Return to La Grunta." Luanne purchases a "dolphin encounter" for Hank at the posh La Grunta country club. While encountering the cetacean, named Duke, Hank is, well, um, he's the victim of unwanted physical advances. When Hank finally breaks down and tells Peggy about it, Peggy wants to know if the dolphin, you know, has regular equipment and all. Hank replies, "It's a mammal, Peggy."

2. "A Beer Can Named Desire." Hank gets an opportunity to throw a football through an opening in a giant Alamo Beer can at the Superdome for $1 million, or for $100,000 if he lets Dallas Cowboys legend Don Meredith throw the ball. On the way, the crew drops Bill off at his family plantation in Louisiana. There's a matriarch there (played by Meryl Streep) and three widowed Southern belles (played by the Dixie Chicks), and Bill's fey cousin Gilbert ("ghille-bear"). When Gilbert says, "I've always been a creepuh. Violetta says I creep like the kudzu that's slowly but surely strangling our Dixie," I convulse. Every time.

1. "Aisle 8A." Hands-down the funniest episode of all time. Khan has to go to Hawaii for a conference, leaving his daughter Khan Jr. with the Hills. Khan Jr. "becomes a woman" while her parents are away, and Hank is forced to take her to the hospital, and then to the Mega-Lo Mart for supplies. While he's at the hospital, he hints that the hospital should give her the supplies. "If she had a cut, you'd give her a Band-Aid, wouldn't you?" Then, once at the Mart, Khan Jr. goes down the feminine supplies aisle and breaks down, forcing Hank to go down the aisle, too. Classic, killer funny.

There are other great episodes, like "The Redneck on Rainey Street," where Khan (who forgets to put a cover sheet on his TPS report) stops being an office drone and becomes a redneck. That episode includes a version of Tom Petty's "Rednecks" performed by the Drive-by Truckers.

And there's "It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Neighbor Sings," where Bill joins the Harmoniholics, an all-male singing group. In that one, Dale, attempting to shame Bill into leaving the group, says, "This chorus is the feces produced when shame eats too much stupidity!"

But there's no use crying over spilt animation. The show was past its prime, and Mike Judge has moved on to "The Goode Family," which looks like it has promise. I love the fact that the do-gooding Goode family wanted to adopt an African baby, and ended up with a white South African named Ubuntu. Plus, there's reruns, and my collection of DVDs. In my heart and mind, Hank is still in his prime, out in the alley, and he always will be. Yup.