Surviving "Survivor"

Go ahead and prepare your hissing, because I'm admitting once again that I love "Survivor." (I also loved Survivor, back in the 80s, but only for that one song.) It's my one reality-show vice, if you don't count "Dirty Jobs" and "Mythbusters" as reality shows. The former I'll watch over and over, because it's awesome, and because Mike Rowe just may be the most self-effacing, likable guy to ever appear on television. He makes Mr. Rogers seem like Mr. T. The latter I'm slowly falling out of love with, because it seems to me that they've been slacking off a little on their myth selection lately. ("I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner," he thought, in a superfluous and silly "Caddyshack" moment.) Plus, sometimes Jamie and Adam don't so much bust a myth as they do bend it, or maybe bruise it a little.

So if you stay in the reality-game-show vein, "Survivor" is the only one I watch with any regularity. "Hell's Kitchen" had its moments--you donkey!--but Gordon Ramsay is the definition of a one-trick pony, and I'm tired of risotto and beef Wellingtons. "Top Chef" has always been too pretentious for me to watch with any regularity, ever since I saw Marcel or Maurice or whatever his name was allow that he trafficked in "cutting-edge molecular gastronomy." Really? Howzabout cooking something, Chester? Because, for all the "foodie" phenomenon, what you're doing boils down to taking some food and applying spices and heat. You're not splitting the atom. And I say this as a man who's made barbecued marshmallows, for crying out loud. (They're a lot of work, but they're delicious. And you're guaranteed to be the talk of the church social with a plate of them.)

"Last Comic Standing" had its moments, too, but there's only so much of comedians' private lives you can watch without needing extensive counseling. Most of them are such swirling vortexes of need that you actually start wishing for them to stop being themselves and just let loose with a string of airline and "Men and women sure are different" jokes.

Other than those two, and maybe one or two episodes of "Big Brother," which I thought was as exciting as sitting in a dentist's office, I don't think I've watched any reality shows. I'm gonna dance with the one what brung me, and I've watched every episode of every "Survivor" season but the first. Curiously, I had no interest whatsoever in that first season.

The bad thing about "Survivor" is that, as you near the finish line (we're down to five contestants now), there aren't as many conspiracies and conflicts floating around the camps, so the interest level goes down a commensurate level. We don't watch this show for the fire-making skills.

Begin admitted digression, because this always drive me crazy: If any of you ever get on "Survivor," please note that the firestarter they supply you is like this one. And the way you make fire with the thing is to shave off some material from the BACK SIDE FIRST, then flip it around and generate a spark with a machete strike against the flint. Instead of using that weeeeeee spark to ignite coconut husks or whatever, you're using it to ignite magnesium, which will always light, even when wet. I've never seen anyone do this on the show, even though you'd think that contestants would research this a little, considering it's for a million rassinfrassin' dollars.

End admitted digression.

Not only does the decreased number of contestants lower the conflict levels, but it also gives plenty of time for the contestants to make inane comments like, "Earl Bob is really playing this game to win." Naw! Get out! You're making this up. Surely everybody is a regular humanitarian role model like you.

My other favorite thing to gripe about is when the contestants get sent to "Exile Island" (which this season isn't so much an island as it is a...spot), and they talk about how they would have died if they hadn't been able to start a fire. Yes, because the film crew, medical personnel, medevac chopper, and legal advisors just offscreen would have just sat there and watched you die. It'd be boffo ratings!

But nothing beats the family reunion shows for "This is sickening" moments. All the contestants get to reunite with their wife, or son, or assistant soccer coach, and they go on and on about how horrible it's been without them, and it's been the longest 30+ days of their life, etc. And I'm sure that the film crew is jerking their chains a little to get the best responses, too.

Here's what really bugs me about the "I've been away from my Binky for so long" moments. Number one, you volunteered for the show, and you knew full well that, if you had any shot at the money, you'd have to be away from your family for X amount of days. And even if you got voted off at the first tribal council, you still couldn't just go home to the family, because then all the spoiler sites would broadcast to the world who was booted in what order. So don't act as if Jeff Propst shanghaied you to Brazil at machete-point. You had to audition, pass tests, and sign reams of legal forms to make it on this show.

Secondly, you've been away from your family for a little over a month, and that month was spent knowing that, if something bad were to happen, you'd be helicoptered out in a heartbeat. There are men and women in Iraq, Afghanistan, and around the world that are away from their families for much longer than that, as well as being in situations where there are people actively trying to literally kill them, not TV kill them. And there's not even a remote chance of there being a million-dollar prize to the people completing those tours.

Don't get me wrong. If I ever made it on the show (and I never will, because I'm what you call a wimp), and I made it to the family reunion show, I'd squawl like a new puppy when my wife or whoever came out from the bushes. And I'd miss my wife and family and friends immensely while I was out there. But I like to think that I'd also be able to keep things in perspective and realize that I'm playing a game, not making a major sacrifice.

Oh, and fellow Samsonian J.T. still rocks. He's the biggest threat to win the thing, but he's so likable that the other contestants don't even recognize that. Why, he's a regular Southern-fried Mike Rowe.