I'm nothing if not wishy-washy. I am, aren't I?

I said yesterday that I wasn't going to turn this into a music blog, and I'm not. But that doesn't mean I can't blog about music two days in a row, does it? I'm researching the Big Book O' Blogging Rules to make sure, but in the meantime, I'm going to go with that truism that it's always easier to get permission than forgiveness, and press on.

Don't worry, though. I'm not going to continue my rant about how country music isn't country. Nope. Not gonna go on and on about how soulless and corporate and empty big-time country is, and how it's such a ridiculous travesty that artists who still craft music with heart are forced to travel in--

I just administered myself a Pattonesque face slap. I should be okay.

Despite the ridiculously cold weather here in Alabama (honestly, people, it snowed in North Alabama yesterday), I know that the spring/summer concert season is coming up soon, and I've been mentally kicking around a list of concert rules for quite a while. So, I figured this was as good a time as any to post it. Here goes.

1. Lynyrd Skynyrd was a great band. (I'm talking pre-plane crash Skynyrd, not the pseudo-Skynyrd that's been impersonating the band for years. Skynyrd died with Ronnie van Zant. ) And, before it was made into a rock and roll cliche, "Free Bird" was a great song. Still is, if you listen sans irony. Put on a pair of headphones and listen. The bass work in that song alone is epic.

So, now that I've established that, let me say: Don't ever, ever, ever yell, "Free Bird!" at a concert. It was at one time funny, and that one time was July 17, 1985, at an REO Speedwagon concert in Downers Grove, Illinois. Seconds later, it ran out of funny. Stop doing it.

2. Most acts have what is called a "set list." That means that they've actually put thought into what songs they're going to play, and when. They really don't need your yelling out song titles. With a lot of modern acts, changing the order of songs would require a complete reprogramming of the lip-syncing tracks and pyrotechnics, and they're not going to do that just because you don't think faux-Styx should play "Miss America" more often.

3. Despite what the inebriated woman next to me at the Poison/Cinderella concert a few years ago yelled, the band you don't like most likely doesn't, in fact, "suck." And if they do, they're not going to suddenly improve because you pointed out their shortcomings. (Although I do like to think that the horrible band I saw years ago in St. Louis called--no kidding--Beyond Repair did some soulsearching when, after they'd only played one song, somebody yelled out, "Take a break!") Allow me my musical tastes, and I'll reciprocate.

4. If the band asks you to sing along, or maybe even holds the microphone toward the crowd when they get to the chorus, feel free to sing along. Otherwise, you're allowed to sing the hook, and maybe a couple of the other words, and that's all. To once again reference faux-Styx, I don't mind you singing "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." I do mind you caterwauling, "I am the modren man." I minded Dennis DeYoung singing that.

5. I don't care how much you like a band, they are not "your boys." If they were really "your boys," you'd be backstage, not sitting next to me, trying to see over that tall guy with the ironic cowboy hat. So if you refer to the lead singer, call him by his first AND last name, or alternatively, just his last name. He's not Mick, he's Mick Jagger, or maybe just Jagger. (It is all right to refer to U2's lead singer as "boh-no," however, because I like doing it that way.)

6. Ditch the cigarette lighter. It's 2009, people. You hold up your cell phone when you want to encourage an encore now.

7. That cell phone camera of yours isn't going to take a decent picture from 30 rows back, in the dark, with the lead singer jumping around. Give it up. It won't record decent video or sound, either. I don't know what Rerun was thinking when he took that cassette recorder to that Doobie Brothers concert.

8. That being said, artists, people like taking pictures of you. When they've taken them, they spread those pictures all over the Interwebs, and that generates what is called "positive publicity," which is a good thing. Let people take pictures. You might even encourage that kind of behavior.

9. Artists, we know you're tired of singing your hits. Do it anyway. The guy working at the Express Lube is tired of pulling oil drain plugs and skinning his knuckles getting to those oil filters, but he does it anyway, because it's his job. And he does it for a lot less than you're getting. So man or woman up, and perform it, even if it makes your hair hurt. And no medleys of your hits, either. Sing the whole thing.

10. Fans, if the act leaves and they don't turn on the house lights, they're coming back. (See the set list item, above.) They're only walking offstage for effect so that you'll clap and scream and maybe reach a good-enough fervor to buy an extra t-shirt or two. So don't start to leave unless you're really going to head to the car, because when you start to leave, then turn around when the band starts their inevitable encore, it just gums up the aisles for everybody.

11. We know you like the band you've come to see. There's no need to wear a t-shirt with their name on it to their concert, even if it's the one you bought in '82 and have worn every time you've seen the band.

12. You're never too old to rock. However, you dang sure can get too old to be overly demonstrative. If you're over 40, you can't play air guitar, actually headbang, or scream "ROCK AND ROLL!!!!!!!!" Sorry, but those are the rules. They hurt me, too.

13. If any members of the band you're seeing is wearing a t-shirt with their own band name on it, you must get up and leave immediately. That's pure toolish behavior, and we have to stamp it out.